Burger King’s New Ribs
There are a few shows on television that feature men (always men, women aren’t stupid enough to do childish things like this) that travel around the world and eat
local gross and interesting weird cuisine shit. It never surprises me that these conquistadors of cuisine always take a bite and say how surprisingly delicious a partially developed chicken egg or a drink made from chewed and spit back out Kava root is.
It wouldn’t be good television if they put something in their mouth and spit it out in disgust, so, instead, they smile and praise the indigenous people for their delicacy. I, however, am going to eat one of the most unheard of dishes know to man, just for you mybbqblog.com readers and give you truth. I am going to give you a review of a dish that sounds so strange that it almost sounds made up; a dish that while easily found seems as though it should be as elusive as the Northeastern Sasquatch…dear readers, I’m talking about Burger King Fire Grilled Ribs.
When I first heard that Burger King was starting to sell bone-in ribs, my first reaction was that it was a joke, but when I realized that my friend was telling the truth, my feelings quickly changed to that of sheer and utter disgust. I can’t believe
that some marketing genius had the guts to bring that up in a meeting and all of the other people thought that it was a great idea. If that was the best idea that they had, I would’ve loved to have been in that meeting just to see the stuff that got voted down, because eating ribs from Burger Kings seems to be just as appetizing to me as going down on my own grandmother.
I started to feel bad because of all the assumptions I was making and decided that in the spirit of BBQ that I would be the blog pioneer and venture into fast food BBQ, so I drove to Burger King on Sunday to grab some lunch. Being in Memphis, I felt like someone that flew to Italy and ate at Olive Garden, but I did it on Sunday because I felt that if I needed to go to church and ask for forgiveness then I could drive straight there and receive my penance.
I walked up to the counter and ordered the 8 piece rib meal which included a small fry and small drink for the shocking price of $9.99 (before tax and tip) which isn’t a bad price for a half slab of ribs. The tax rate in Memphis is 9% and the tip was, “walk out of the door and never come back in here”, so the total damage was $10.91 and a little self esteem.
I ordered it to go, not because I was in a hurry, but because
I was ashamed and didn’t want to be seen; kind of like a heroin addict that hides in a dark basement and wallows in self pity, not wanting the world see who he truly is.
I got home and opened the box and was more than a little disheartened to find that 8 bones weren’t really 8 bones, but more like 4 ribs that were cut in half. They reminded me of those small little ribs that you get at Chinese buffets although they were a tad meatier and not that strange pink color.
I picked up one of my broiled rib tips and was surprised that it had actually had some texture to it as I had expected a mushy piece of processed pork product that had been formed around some sort of animal bone; this was an honest to God piece of rib from an actual pig.
I have always heard that there is no such thing as bad sex…even if it’s not the best you have ever had, you are still having sex, and I have been accused of making outlandish comparisons to Smoked or Cured Pork, and while this rib didn’t compare to my first kiss with Christine Caiola or watching Greg McElroy throw the go ahead TD to Roy Upchurch to beat Auburn, it actually wasn’t bad.
In reality it wasn’t really bad at all. It really wasn’t great either, but if you gave me one of these at your party, I’d think that you would need more practice cooking ribs, but I’d dunk those bad boys in some sauce and go to town on them. They didn’t have a BBQ taste, per se, but more of just a grilled piece of pork that had a hint of some liquid smoke. They weren’t “fall off the bone” tender but I didn’t have to gnaw the meat off either. They did have a crusty char on the outside and weren’t very fatty which was at least something that they had going for them, but for almost $11 I could’ve gone to one of many places in Memphis and had an outstanding meal for that price.
I can’t honestly recommend going to Burger King to eat, but one thing that took me a while to notice is that after eating their ribs, I didn’t feel as gross as I normally do after I eat a Whopper, so, I guess the one thing that I can say is that if you have to eat Burger King because that’s where everyone is going for lunch, spend the extra $4-$5 and try the ribs, but then find new friends that have better taste in food.
Until next time,
Love, Peace, and Pork Grease!!!
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